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By: Marc Lindahl
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avatar of marc
  The Real Scoop On Those Damn Liberals
posted on 2004-10-29 12:46 AM
One week to go!

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and pure because some tree-hugging liberals fought for national minimum water-quality standards in the 1970s. With his first swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid liberal lawyers fought to insure their testing and safety and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers at his company recently fought their employers to provide medical insurance they could no longer afford - now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast of bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo! His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient according to its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for consumer's right to know laws.

Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting the air. He walks to the bus station for his government-subsidized ride to work downtown.  It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards throughout the last century.  Joe's employer continues to pay for these benefits because Joe's  employer doesn't want his employees to call the union; which despite the anti-union smear campaign that  began during the Reagan administration is still a force to be considered.  If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get workers compensation or an  unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his  home because of temporary misfortune.

Its noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some
bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some godless
liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the
banking system before the great depression. Joe has to pay his Fannie
Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was
educated and earned more money over his lifetime.

Joe gets home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards.

He arrives at his boyhood home. His father was the third generation to live in this house because of loans financed by Farmers' Home Administration; created during the 'New Deal' because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal (FDR) stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.  He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, quiche-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a popular conservative radio talk show. The radio host keeps ! saying that liberals are evil and irresponsible and that Republican conservatives are true American patriots. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day. Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."

Oh, do you really believe what you just said?


"I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be 'happy.'
I think the purpose of life is
-to be useful
-to be responsible
-to be compassionate.
It is, above all
-to matter
-to count
-to have made some difference
that you lived at all."
-Leo Rosten

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